A Mind-bending Truth about Gratitude

“Gratitude is the work of forgiving things 

for being whatever good they are 

rather than what I wanted them to be.” 

~ Adam Miller (Original Grace) 

I love this definition of gratitude. I love the acknowledgment of the work required in choosing gratitude. It is the work of letting go of what I thought someone or something should be, and embracing the existing good of who or what they actually are. 

What does this look like? You will have to consider what that looks like for you, but here are some examples of what it looks like for me … 

Gratitude for my body looks like forgiving my body 

for making it possible for me to participate in the activities of daily life as a wife, mother, friend, homemaker, cook, gardener, etc., and forgiving it for the capacities to take in nutrients, to fight off illness, to recover and repair, to provide energy, and other miraculous things that I don’t even know about or understand, 

rather than looking like a runway model, or functioning without discomfort or limitations. 

Gratitude for my home looks like forgiving my home 

for providing shelter and a place to gather and make memories, and forgiving it for displaying the evidence of a full and busy life, 

rather than being tidy, with everything in good repair, and painted, carpeted, or furnished in the way I want. 

Gratitude for my spouse looks like forgiving him 

for being kind, gentle, patient, generous, fun, adventurous, a man of faith, and a good provider, 

rather than a mind-reader, a putter-away-of-all-his-stuff, and a full-supporter of all my interests and ideas. 

Gratitude for finances looks like forgiving our bank account 

for making it possible for us to have electricity, water, internet, a home, clothes to wear, food to eat, cars to drive, and entertainment, 

rather than the freedom to buy or do anything I want any time I want, without negative consequences. 

Brene Brown says that for forgiveness to happen something must die. Applied to Adam Miller’s definition of gratitude, I believe that our “work” may be to break the habit of feeding and nurturing our views of how things and people should be, and instead, allowing those views or expectations to die. The degree of difficulty in my work depends on how devoted I have been to keeping them alive. If I have been putting a lot of energy into it, then in order to move to gratitude, it will require greater intention to allow their death. 

Interestingly, I have found that when I’ve truly moved past my expectations to embrace the "good that already exists", it no longer feels like work. Gratitude is relaxing. It feels like love and peace; like a deep cleansing breath; like being grounded and sturdy.

You will know when you get there because you, too, will feel a shift within - whether subtle or monumental - toward gratitude. To help spark that shift, consider the following questions. You might choose to write out your answers. What, or who, might you be struggling with today? How might this situation or person be a blessing just as they are? If someone else were in your exact position, but they were full of gratitude, what might they say? If you are having trouble seeing any existing good, you might try asking yourself why you don’t just walk away? Answering this can help you identify what it is you can choose to be grateful for. 

Melody Beattie put it this way, “Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity… it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” 

Gratitude, as the work of forgiving what is rather than what we wish it to be, requires us to release the grip of expectation and open ourselves to the good already present in our lives. It's not about denying the imperfections or unmet desires, but about finding peace and appreciation for the way things are. In doing so, we create space for new perspectives, for growth, and for deeper connection with ourselves and the world and people around us. 

The practice of gratitude, as challenging as it may be at times, turns what feels like a struggle into an opportunity for transformation. When we can let go of what “should be” and embrace what “is,” we begin to see the abundance and beauty in the ordinary. It’s a small, yet powerful shift—one that allows us to be present with what we already have, recognizing it as enough. 

So, as you go forward, consider the places in your life where you might be holding on to expectations that are keeping you from seeing the good that’s already there. What might you allow to “die” today to make room for gratitude? In choosing to forgive, you choose peace, and in choosing peace, you create the space for more joy and gratitude to grow.