The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, peace, and goodwill. But if you’re like me, you’ve probably experienced moments where family gatherings, crowded stores, or even online debates seem to do the opposite. So, how do we bring the peace back? It’s simpler than you think—and it starts with you
Let me explain. You see, peace is a feeling, stemming from goodwill which is an attitude or belief. WordWeb defines goodwill as “a disposition to kindness and compassion. The friendly hope that something will succeed.” Our feelings always come from our thoughts or beliefs, and not from people or circumstances outside of us. This is beautiful, because it means that you can have peace by choosing to be disposed to kindness and compassion; by choosing a friendly hope for the better natures of humanity to succeed.
Remember the Golden Rule? Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. This is a beginning. But, it’s not a complete answer, because I can certainly DO for you what I would like done for me and not feel the least bit of peace within or goodwill toward you. I could do it from a feeling of obligation, or anger, or resignation, etc.
So, how is it done? How can I choose to be disposed to kindness and compassion when others may be difficult, demanding, or even downright mean? Good question. 'Disposed' means “having made preparations. Prepared. Willing.” (WordWeb) You and I can choose to become disposed to kindness and compassion through our preparation and willingness.
To act from kindness and compassion requires that we feel kind and compassionate. So, part of our preparation might be to practice remembering our shared humanity. We could practice developing a willingness to see how we and they are alike. For example, “she feels passionately about her beliefs, and so do I;” “he can totally lose sight of the big picture, and so can I;” “they just want to feel heard, and so do I;” etc. We could choose to drop labels, generalizations, unkind or unflattering descriptors, and name-calling. We might practice remembering that this is a real, live person, with real life fears, dreams, traumas, stresses, desires, and hopes, just like us. Don’t wait until a heated exchange to try to apply this! Practice thinking of others this way in everyday moments and encounters. Practice in happy moments and in neutral moments. Practice with strangers, neighbors, and with those closest to you. As we choose this kind of preparation, it will become easier and more natural to feel kindness and compassion in the more difficult circumstances.
Preparation might also look like accepting the likelihood that you will encounter difficult people, emotions, conversations, and situations and deciding ahead of time to act from kindness and compassion, rather than reflexively reacting. It might look like committing to give yourself permission to slow things down, take a breath, and remember that while others words and actions might invite a certain response from you, all invitations are optional. It is important to remember and to own your inherent power to choose. You may choose to accept, decline, or extend an alternative invitation.
I know it’s not always easy. Sometimes, people can be downright difficult, and it's tempting to react defensively. But the beauty of practicing kindness and compassion is that it's a skill you develop over time. You won’t always be perfect, and that’s okay. What matters is your willingness to try again and again.
We might better achieve the intent of the Golden Rule by expanding it a bit:
Apply the most generous interpretation to others actions as you would have others apply the most generous interpretations to yours.
See others humanity as you would have others see yours.
Listen to others as you would have others listen to you.
Validate others as you would have others validate you.
Forgive others mistakes/failings/worst behaviors as you would have others forgive yours.
Speak of others as you would have others speak of you.
Withhold criticisms of others as you would have others withhold criticisms of you.
Encourage others as you would have others encourage you.
Notice the goodness in others as you would have others notice the goodness in you.
Acknowledge the efforts of others as you would have others acknowledge yours.
You might also worry that being kind and compassionate will cause you to be "soft" when you might need to be firm. But the truth is, you are never in a stronger position and never able to see more clearly how to act, than when you are filled with compassion. Consider that any "firm" action you may need to take, can be taken from a feeling of compassion - for them and for you.
This holiday season, I challenge you to think of one relationship that is a struggle for you, and then apply our expanded Golden Rule by answering the following questions:
What is the most generous interpretation you can come up with for their actions?
What aspects of their humanity might you have been blind to?
Have you been able to listen to them from a place of curiosity and wanting to truly understand?
Are you able to consider that their viewpoints, desires, fears, etc. could be as valid as your own?
Do you focus on their worst mistakes/failings/behaviors and dismiss the good?
Do you treat their reputation with care?
Do you forego opportunities to criticize?
What encouragement have you offered them?
What goodness in them might you have previously dismissed?
Have you acknowledged their efforts– out loud, to them?
Did you notice anything inside of you shifting toward them? Have you, perhaps, created a little space for kindness and compassion to sneak in?
My friends, peace on earth is possible. But it begins within each individual. When we are willing to put in the work to feel peace, by practicing thinking kind and compassionate thoughts, our actions will naturally invite others to begin to think kindly and compassionately and to feel peace as we do.
I promise you that even if the world, or your family, is in disarray and full of discord, YOU can have a peaceful holiday by owning your power to choose, by practicing thoughts that are kind and compassionate, and by extending your own invitations of peace and goodwill. With every small act of kindness, you’re creating a ripple effect that can change the atmosphere of your home and community. As the song says, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”
I wish you a peaceful, compassionate holiday season,
Leslie Merrell
If you have questions about how to apply these concepts, send us an email, or schedule a session with myself or Meredith.
“Peace is not something you wish for; it’s something you make, something you do, something you are, and something you give away.” – Robert Fulghum
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